I was talking to a good friend of mine a few nights ago. And our conversation made a stop at the ever so famous subject “Relationship – How do you go about em?”
My friend posed a question, how do we determine what are the things we can or cannot do when in a relationship ie. what are the things that are ok to do and which ones fall under the category of big NO..ie the acts that that would make our partners go insanely angry – flip la basically.
I replied almost instantaneously, that I follow this particular rule of thumb/philosophy
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”
This saying, a famous one, is so beautiful and apt that it is applicable to all and sundry, not just your loved ones. But it is particularly apt when used to guide your relationship.
Asking for your partner’s permission – yes or no?
Well it depends, if it works for your relationship, then by all means, do it. Cos I do it – not asking for permission per se la. I will just drop the New Yorker a text/call and inform him that I’ve got eg. dinner plans with who and who, ask if he’d like to tag along etc.
If I got a dinner invitation from someone who clearly has the hots for me, then I will on my own decline the invitation politely. No need la to ask the New Yorker. I know women, well men sometimes, tell their partner about suitors or “admirers” that are around for one of the following reasons:
- tell your partner about Mr A cos you wanna tell him that something’s up but you have it under control
- tell your partner about Mr A cos you just wanna make him jealous and get him on his toes
Reason (1) is ok. Reason (2), well if you inform your partner about a 3rd party for reason 2, then you gotta ask yourself,what is it that you really want? if its to get his attention, then that needs to be followed up with another question, is it a deficit of attention from your partner or are you just needy? cos if its a case of attention deficit from your partner then raise the issue, but if you’re needy..then that’s a whole different ball game..try being less needy perhaps?
Ok back to the “declining the invitation for dinner from someone who has the hots for me” situation. well the reason why its easy to come to that decision of action is thanks to the rule of thumb – I would ask myself, would I be ok with my partner going out for dinner with some chick who has the hots and has been hitting on him?” No! Flat out. So, likewise, need I ask the New Yorker if he’d be ok with me goin out on a dinner date with I-have-the-hots-for-Nadia guy? Nope. So save yourself and your partner from the silly argument “oh why cant I go, we’re just friends, and I know how to control the situation” blah blah blah
Above all, I feel it is of utmost importance that you have respect for each other and DO NOT at any point in time, treat your partner as a second class citizen in the relationship. Dont pull a “I can do what I want to do, as I please, when I please, but when it comes to you, you have to run it by me first, if I say ok, then ok, if not, no”. That’s just being plain despotic, and shallow.
You’re not in a relationship with a dog. Even with a dog, if you push it to a corner one too many times, am sure on one not so fine day, it’ll just bite your head off and every other limb on your unfortunate body. Padan muka. Same goes with your partner, he or she may try to understand or tolerate it for a while, but if you continue with your despotic ways then soon you’ll see your partner walking away and never turning back. The only partner suited for a despotic person is a robot.
Then there was another queation ..is it ok to feel jealous?
Yes. And I think these days, amongst menfolk, and perhaps women as well, there’s this mistake of automatically equating jealousy as a sign of mistrust, which I think is a bit off. It can be a sign, but its not automatic that just cause you’re feeling jealous, you dont trust your partner.
You can perfectly trust your partner yet still feel jealous. Although I have to admit, too much of everything, or doing an extreme on everything is dangerous:
Trust blindly, and you might end up with a nasty surprise
Dont trust at all, you might as well not have a relationship
Be a green eyed jealous monster all the time, you’ll get the words “Clingy, insecure” stamped on your forehead
Dont feel jealous at all, then you should ask yourself..whether you really love your partner or not?
So guys, if your partner gets jealous, dont immediately let that old line slip off your tongue “Do you not trust me?” Please la, turn the sophistication level up a notch and stop being so cliche-ish.
then there was a final question “sigh..what do women want in a relationship?”
Speaking for myself- companionship fused with lots of love and trust.
Treat your partner right -that is key.
You gotta know what you want in your relationship, and what you seek for in a partner. If you want a partner who has a good head on her shoulders, carries herself well, has values, then seek out for someone like that, and when you find her, treat her with respect. There’s a Malay saying “masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang singa mengaum” So same goes, if she’s a lady, treat her like one, dont speak to her like she’s a slut cos if you do that, 3 things are for certain – she’ll be very offended, she definitely wont think highly of you, and eventually she’ll leave you.
Same goes for you ladies, dont cripple him with your whines and continous nagging, he’s not looking for a mummy figure. You want a man, then treat him like one. But to the men out there, please la, there is nothing wrong or unmanly or “tak macho” about being a gentlemen ie listening to reasons, admitting fault, compromising, always making sure she walks by your side not behind you..etc
Ah talk on relationships can go on forever. anyways above are my 2 cents