rule of thumb – need one?

I was talking to a good friend of mine a few nights ago. And our conversation made a stop at the ever so famous subject “Relationship – How do you go about em?”

My friend posed a question, how do we determine what are the things we can or cannot do when in a relationship ie. what are the things that are ok to do and which ones fall under the category of big NO..ie the acts that  that would make our partners go insanely angry – flip la basically.

I replied almost instantaneously, that I follow this particular rule of thumb/philosophy

 ”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”

This saying, a famous one, is so beautiful and apt that it is applicable to all and sundry, not just your loved ones. But it is particularly apt when used to guide your relationship.

Asking for your partner’s permission - yes or no?

Well it depends, if it works for your relationship, then by all means, do it. Cos I do it – not asking for permission per se la. I will just drop the New Yorker a text/call and inform him that I’ve got eg. dinner plans with who and who, ask if he’d like to tag along etc.

If I got a dinner invitation from someone who clearly has the hots for me, then I will on my own decline the invitation politely. No need la to ask the New Yorker. I know women, well men sometimes, tell their partner about suitors or “admirers” that are around for one of the following reasons:

•  tell your partner about Mr A cos you wanna tell him that something’s up but you have it under control
• tell your partner about Mr A cos you just wanna make him jealous and get him on his toes

Reason (1) is ok. Reason (2), well if you inform your partner about a 3rd party for reason 2, then you gotta ask yourself,what is it that you really want? if its to get his attention, then that needs to be followed up with another question, is it a deficit of attention from your partner or are you just needy? cos if its a case of attention deficit from your partner then raise the issue, but if you’re needy..then that’s a whole different ball game..try being less needy perhaps?

Ok back to the “declining the invitation for dinner from someone who has the hots for me” situation. well the reason why its easy to come to that decision of action is thanks to the rule of thumb – I would ask myself, would I be ok with my partner going out for dinner with some chick who has the hots and has been hitting on him?” No! Flat out. So, likewise, need I ask the New Yorker if he’d be ok with me goin out on a dinner date with I-have-the-hots-for-Nadia guy? Nope. So save yourself and your partner from the silly argument “oh why cant I go, we’re just friends, and I know how to control the situation” blah blah blah

Above all, I feel it is of utmost importance that you have respect for each other and DO NOT at any point in time, treat your partner as a second class citizen in the relationship. Dont pull a “I can do what I want to do, as I please, when I please, but when it comes to you, you have to run it by me first, if I say ok, then ok, if not, no”. That’s just being plain despotic, and shallow.

You’re not in a relationship with a dog. Even with a dog, if you push it to a corner one too many times, am sure on one not so fine day, it’ll just bite your head off and every other limb on your unfortunate body. Padan muka. Same goes with your partner, he or she may try to understand or tolerate it for a while, but if you continue with your despotic ways then soon you’ll see your partner walking away and never turning back. The only partner suited for a despotic person is a robot.

Then there was another queation ..is it ok to feel jealous?

Yes. And I think these days, amongst menfolk, and perhaps women as well, there’s this mistake of automatically equating jealousy as a sign of mistrust, which I think is a bit off. It can be a sign, but its not automatic that just cause you’re feeling jealous, you dont trust your partner.

 You can perfectly trust your partner yet still feel jealous. Although I have to admit, too much of everything, or doing an extreme on everything is dangerous:

Trust blindly, and you might end up with a nasty surprise

Dont trust at all, you might as well not have a relationship

Be a green eyed jealous monster all the time, you’ll get the words “Clingy, insecure” stamped on your forehead

Dont feel jealous at all, then you should ask yourself..whether you really love your partner or not?

So guys, if your partner gets jealous, dont immediately let that old line slip off your tongue “Do you not trust me?” Please la, turn the sophistication level up a notch and stop being so cliche-ish.

then there was a final question “sigh..what do women want in a relationship?”

Speaking for myself- companionship fused with lots of love and trust.

Treat your partner right -that is key.

You gotta know what you want in your relationship, and what you seek for in a partner. If you want a partner who has a good head on her shoulders, carries herself well, has values, then seek out for someone like that, and when you find her, treat her with respect. There’s a Malay saying “masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang singa mengaum” So same goes, if she’s a lady, treat her like one, dont speak to her like she’s a slut cos if you do that, 3 things are for certain – she’ll be very offended, she definitely wont think highly of you, and eventually she’ll leave you.

Same goes for you ladies, dont cripple him with your whines and continous nagging, he’s not looking for a mummy figure. You want a man, then treat him like one. But to the men out there, please la, there is nothing wrong or unmanly or “tak macho” about being a gentlemen ie listening to reasons, admitting fault, compromising, always making sure she walks by your side not behind you..etc

Ah talk on relationships can go on forever. anyways above are my 2 cents

a night at Betel Box

Earlier this year, I had a wedding photog assignment in Singapore. I was in charge of getting cheap accos for the other fellow photogs, and upon googling I stumbled upon this cosy backpackers hostel – Betel Box I was attracted to the pics of the communal area. Before making a booking, I was pretty sceptical as to whether the place would really be as cosy as it looked in the pics. I was happy to find upon arriving there, that it was. the beds were so-so la. Bathroom too. but if all you need is a place to sleep, shower, grab quick light meals, AND meet interesting travellers..then Betel Box is the place for you.

I still remember, waking up in d morning, after washing my face, brushing my teeth, made my way in my jams to the communal area and had breakfast. Coffee and tea is free flowing, local fruits as well. They have toast, jam etc etc, all on the house, or rather..fitted in with your bed-price.

ahh wouldnt mind a short getaway to Singapore, and staying a night at the Betel Box.

*Pics are from www.betelbox.com

1st at Toastmasters

 

*a pic I took of a speaker at Speakers Corner, Hyde Park, London*

Below is the script (which I didnt really follow in the end) of the first and last speech (malas to go for the meetings after that) that I delivered at the SC Toastmaster Club meet up some 2 years plus ago. The first speech any member delivers is called the Ice Breaker (for obvious reasons).

Anyway, tot I’d post this up, cos i am not really in the mood to compose anything at d mo, but have this compelling need to feed my blog.

Please bear in mind, that this script was for verbal delivery, so some of the sentences sound better when you hear it, rather than read it. The title of my speech was “If Only”. 5 minutes speech. I think somewhere in the middle of the speech, I actually said “Mr Speaker” haha, a habit I pixcked up after years of debating.

 If Only

• Madam Toastmaster

Ladies and Gentlemen

 

• I don’t intend to deliver a resume like speech; I tell you where I was born, my alma maters, and what’s my favorite pass time. For me the best way to get to know someone is by getting a little personal. So I’d like to share two of my most valuable experiences growing up, as well as some of my thoughts about this rat race. A little touch of the past and future.

 

• When I was 9 years old, at the time I attended the Bukit Bintang Girls School. A fabulous school! It was located opposite the Star Hill Shopping Center, a very strategic location (I know) for a school. They tore the building down a few years ago.

 

• But that’s not the story. When I was 9, my dad got me started on essay writing. He bought me a huge writing pad. The highlight of this essay writing exercise was the title of the essays I was requested, wait instructed to write. It wasn’t the typical-9-year-old essay topics, my favorite teacher, my pet, where did I go on my last family holiday. The titles my dad chose were far from typical. I got titles like, matchbox, wallpaper, towel, soap, and chair. The first thing I said to my Dad was “write about towels? What is there to write about? A towel is just that, a towel” And he wanted it to be two pages long, mind you that it was a huge writing pad.

 

• So I wrote essay after essay, cracked my little head, tried to find ideas to fill those two pages. When I got older I realized what my dad was trying to do. He wanted me to think out of the box. It wasn’t enough to write that towels came in different shapes and sizes. I had to use my creativity, stretch my thoughts. And this I felt was the best mental exercise that my dad taught me. I find myself being able to be multidimensional in my thought process (at least I hope I am).

 

• When I have children I’ll buy them a huge writing pad too and the first title for their essay will be, you guessed it right, towel.

 

• Just before we get to the present day, lets stop at 1996, when I was fifteen, I joined a theatre group called Five Arts, similar to the likes of the Actors Studio and Instant Café, I considered myself very “arty-farty” then.

 

• My mother made sure I attended every rehearsal and performed my best for every workshop or play. I was exposed to everything from puppetry skills to classical dance. It was extremely exciting! One of my most memorable plays was when I performed a play entitled “The Sky Is Falling Down” at the 1996 ASEAN Wetlands Convention. One of the reasons why it was memorable was because my costume was my primary school uniform, I was fifteen, and so the skirt was ultra short! The experience I had was amazing! Plus I got to whisper into the ear of the then Prime Minister, Dr Mahathir, it was part of the play. Had to run down from the stage and ask him “Have you seen my brother?” Proud moment there.

 

• There’s a popular saying that a child is like a plain white cloth. I agree with that saying. One of the few strokes of colors that you get on that piece of cloth will be from your parents and your environment. My parents always took the opportunity or made it a point to make sure that I got more than what the curricular activities after school could offer, some exposure to art, creative thinking, which has really influenced me, I love antiques, catch a play or two when I have the time, absolutely love the Balinese Gamelan, and I have a Degree in Economics. So my cloth has the black and white, basic primary colors as well as lime green, fuchsia, and greenish blue! With one’s personality, having a lot of colors is not tacky.

 

• Having said that, I guess you must be wondering as to why I picked the title “if only”. This is where I’d like to share some of my thoughts on the future and life generally. This is the first meeting of the year. So I’m in the mood for some talk on New Year resolutions. Well the phrase “if only” stinks of regret. At least in my opinion. I have a few if only’s : If only I spent more time studying I would have graduated with better results, If only I drank more milk, I would have probably been taller, If only I spent less on shoes I could buy more bags.

 

• I think the best way to move forward and face this rat race is to make sure that everyday you don’t create an “If only” for the future. To work hard and strive to be the best at what you do, spend as much time as you can with your children or parents, eat right and lead a healthy lifestyle so that on one not-so-fine day you won’t find yourself waking up and saying “If only I stopped smoking earlier I probably wouldnt have contracted lung cancer”. Of course we can’t run away from regrets but I think it’s quite possible to minimize them.

 I think my time is about up..

 

• So far this year I don’t think I’ve created any “if only”s…ladies and gentlemen have you?

 

 

do you like what you see

I was looking through some old shots that I took, and I had a wild thought running in my head while I was looking at the shot I took below..

What if you dont like what you see outside the window. Do you seal the window permanently, or do you open the window, and look out anyway and learn to like what you see?

What if it’s impossible to like the view, do you force yourself anyway, or do you just move and look out a different window? Perhaps you might also consider changing that “eyesore” into something more pleasant that you can look at, but is that possible if that something is a permanent structure that you cant change? If its something permanent..then what can you do?

*this was taken while I was on a day trip to Malacca with Nina & Lya*

Notice the pic, the window on the left, looks like its still intact and can still be opened, while the one on the right, is sealed close..not too good a view perhaps? or maybe just broken and due for a fix.

Cappuccino in hand, New Yorker by my side

 

*another entry in the special box*

It was drizzling. Night. From where we sat at Espressamente,Pavillion, we could feel the slight chill from the cafe’s air conditioning and also the natural cool weather thanks to the rain. I told the New Yorker that the whole atmosphere..slight hint of fume in the air..chilly weather,lights from the street, cars lined in traffic, smell of coffee..reminded me of London. Diana Krall’s rendition of Besame Mucho was playing. Felt like we were on foreign land, but still at home. We were sitting,sharing a slice of apple crumble, me and my Cappuccino Vienesse, him and his chocolatey drink (forgot what its called), the New Yorker is not fond of coffee..very not New Yorker-ish but he’s my New Yorker anyway ;p We were talking, laughing over things, simple things. Every now and then just grinning at each other..it was like time stood still. May have been like a scene from a romantic movie, but it was just that perfect. I really couldn’t have asked for a more perfect ending to an already perfect weekend.